I love you. I will always love you, But as I sit here wondering what I could have done differently, I feel that somehow that love got in the way of your recovery. Maybe if I had not wanted you to be well so badly, I would have trusted less, believed less, enabled less, and maybe you would have seen that changes had to be made.
Five years ago we started this Hell-like journey that just seems to get darker as the days go by. When I was told that you had moved from pain killers to heroin, I didn’t want to believe it. And I kept giving you $20 for gas every time you asked. God forgive me for allowing the hurt to go on. I looked at your sleeping eyes as you stood in front of me and I rationalized that you had been up with the baby all night. Oh, God, how stupid I feel now. I took care of the baby, I took care of the toddler, and I took care of you. I let you down and I’m sorry. I lost my job so that I could take care of things for you and you didn’t have to stand up and get well.
Now the baby is in Kindergarten, the toddler is in 3rd grade and Mommy wasn’t there to see them off because she is still using drugs, telling lies and stealing to support her habit. And yet another child, a baby, is going to suffer. Because I took care of things.
I’m writing to tell you that I am done. When we found out that you had stolen all my jewelry, I say all, but there wasn’t much, but every piece was special. You see, we’re not the kind of people who have fancy cars, designer clothes and big gaudy rings. My jewelry was bought at a sacrifice and Dad paid to get it out for me, out of his meager retirement income, because every piece represents a memory, I thought you knew how much it hurt to know that you cared so little for us to do such a thing. When we realized that you had stolen my jewelry for the second time I came to the realization that I can’t do this anymore. I can’t allow myself to hurt as deeply as I have hurt over the past 5 years without jeopardizing my health, my home and my family. So I”m done.
My child, you are on your own. My prayers will always be with you and for you to recognize the love that you have left behind. Your son looked up at me yesterday and asked, “When is Mommy coming home?” It’s not going to be long before the charade is over and we have to tell him that she’s not. That she has left the state to escape. And your daughter doesn’t even bother to ask anymore.
I will always pray for you. And I want you to understand that I have not given up on you, I have given up on me. And I have turned it all over to God. He knows how to reach you. He knows your every need. And He won’t give up.
“Lord, open ‘her’ eyes so ‘she’ may turn from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God. The ‘she’ will receive forgiveness for her sins and be given a place among God’s people, who are set apart by faith in You.” Acts 26:18
“Gently teach ‘her’, who opposes the truth. Perhaps You will change ‘her’ heart, and ‘she’ will believe the truth. The ‘she’ will come to her senses and escape from the Devil’s trap. For ‘she’ has been held captive by him to do whatever he wants.” 2 Timothy 2:25, 26
I can’t wait for that day of healing when you look up and say, Forgive me, I have sinned against you and against God. And I want to come home.